It's raining outside. It has poured rain all morning and I'm sitting here listening to Jonathan David Helzer. I can't shake the feeling that I continue to feel like a little boat out at sea, removed of it's anchor, removed of it's compass, no land in sight....just floating. Waiting for I don't know what. I'm just kind of bobbing there, so far out from shore that it's scary because if a huge wave came my way, I'm not sure I could handle the ability to keep upright.
Then again, the days seem to bleed one into another like a blur. As if there was once a picture that you could see clearly and someone dumped a glass of water all over it and now it doesn't look like anything. You can't even tell if the picture is upright or upside down anymore. I have lived in this place for so long you'd think I'd have gotten a handle on what it's like to live a life in the uncomfortable and the unknown...but I haven't. I feel weak and completely incapable of directing myself in any direction except to the foot of the cross...which at times I don't even think I can see, but go in faith knowing that it has *got* to be there, because of the truth of His Word.
Is this the place of faith like a child? Is this the place of feeling like a fool for something you cannot see? Is this actually the place of safety? Because I don't think I *feel* safe. I feel vulnerable and completely helpless.
I think so often of Moses. How he refused to go into the Promise Land unless the Lord went with him and I suppose I feel the same way, but what if that means I live my entire life in the wilderness? I think there is only one way the Lord would allow that to happen...if I don't believe Him. Now maybe I'm wrong about that and you can say so if I am, but hear this. I believe the Lord has directed me to read the book of Joshua. Why? Because Joshua and Caleb were the only two of the 12 tribesmen who went out to spy the land and *knew* they could take it because they believed in God's ability to give it to them. The other ten looked to their own inability, they looked to themselves and threw in the towel so to speak. "They were grasshoppers in their sight." The Bible says...and they never entered the Promise Land.
The Bible says that whatever is not of faith is sin. (Romans 14:23) Do you have any idea what that verse does to me? Then oh how great my sin unless I turn and repent! But I love the situation that happens in Mark 9:14-29. The father of the boy with the evil spirit asks the Lord "If you can do anything, take pity on us and help us." I love Jesus' reply. "If you can?" He says to the man. "Everything is possible for him who believes." Then the boy's father says "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
I believe that Jesus is Lord. I believe that He died for my sins. I believe! But sometimes, I know I don't have enough faith to believe that things will change in my life when the circumstances seem to never change. Or look like they get harder instead of better. That's where I cry "Lord help my unbelief!" I cannot conjure up faith. It is something the Father has given me and when I need help believing, I know He wants me to call to Him because He knows what's in my unbelieving heart anyway.
I wish so badly that I had it all together in my walk with Christ, but I don't. Maybe I'm not supposed to and that's why I need Him so desperately Every. Single. Day.
Oh Lord, My God and Savior, help me daily to believe...