Thursday, January 22, 2009

Beauty and the Beast

Men Are From Jersey City. Women Are From Paris.

I wish I made that line up, but I didn't. It was on a card that my mother sent me once and I find it quite appropriate for this post.

Quite awhile back a fellow blogger I know once talked about paying 15 dollars for his haircut and I kinda went off in the comment section about that. A woman would never pay 15 dollars for a haircut. Simply because a 15 dollar haircut on a woman would most likely have her looking like an avant-guard butchered freak. Basically if we know we are going to pay alot of money for a haircut than we automatically believe that it's going to be good. This may not always be the case, but we will fall for the belief of that anyway.

I suppose the equation could look like this: Expensive Haircut=Beautiful Hair. But what if the EH is False? And EH=BH (Bad Hair) Well, watch out. If a woman's hair is her crown and glory and you mess with the crown...then hell hath no fury like a woman spurned with BH.

Then I realized that I just needed to air my thoughts on the underpinnings of the time it takes men to look presentable to the world and the monumental construction job that it takes for a woman to walk out the door in the morning, assuming she just wants to look her best.

First of all, I realize that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But! Having said that, I know that men appreciate seeing a well put together woman. I also know that women notice other women. It's just human nature.

I used to live with two men. My father and my brother. When it came to getting dressed to go anywhere, lets just say a nice dinner, they would be ready in 15 to 20 minutes before we left. That included a shower, shave and shine. Men need 6 basic things to get dressed (undies excluded):

6.tie (if necessary)

Women on the other hand first need to decide the style they want...Skirt? If skirt, then shirt? Or what about pants? If pants, then shirt again. Or dress? Let's just go with dress to make it easier...(I hope)

2.slip (ah! but flats or heels?)
4.bag (but bag must technically match shoes) (curl or straighten?) (casual or evening?) (?)

Notice I didn't give men a number for hair. Maybe I should have? But considering most men I know don't even own a brush, I didn't bother.

There is just one thing I forgot to add to the women's list. Actually three. Say you were to see a lovely woman fully dressed in that that get-up from 1-6. But, her toes looked as gnarly as old tree roots, her eyebrows resembled Bert with the uni-brow and her upper lip was a dark as the hair on her head. Oh to be the Planters Peanut Girl. (You Tube it if you haven't seen the commercial.) How I wish it were just that easy, to rub a little cashew oil on my pulse points and Voila! I'm Peanuty Gorgeous!

If that were me, I could be wearing the hottest outfit in the world and I would still look like a total Wo-Beast(1.) if I did not tend to such necessities. Am I right or am I right?

Truth be told...every girl in her heart of hearts wants to be beautiful and told so often. So we WILL go to extra lengths to make sure we do our best.

Before a woman's wedding day (whenever that is/was) you can be sure she will do/have done all the following things before The Dude sees her and afterwards, once we're prego and have kids, we promise to keep waxing and or shaving. Even amidst all the ankle biting from your children. (At least, I will.)
The List:

1. shower
2. shave legs
3. shave underarms
4.tanning (and pray you don't turn out freakishly streakly or orange)
5. lotion
6. manicure
7. pedicure
8. WAX- eyebrows, lip (If necessary), (Oh and shut up. It may have worked for Frida Kahol but that won't work for us gals these days and you boys know it.)
9. dress
10. shoes that match dress
11. bag that matches shoes
12. blow dry hair
13. curl hair
14. color/highlight hair?
15. style hair
16. Make-up
17. Jewelry
Do you have ANY idea how long this will take? If I do all of these things at once it would take at LEAST 3 hours.

Do you know how long it will take The Dude? A half an hour max, let's give him an extra ten minutes to figure out that stupid bow tie if he opts for it at all.

But when all is said and done. Is it worth it? Well, let's face it boys, on the wedding day, it's not so much about you as it is about us. Why? because we're so darn beautiful. And you sucker. You fell for it.


(Author's note: FTW is an acronym meaning For The Win.)

1. Wo-Beast- Def: a.) A woman who is beastly ugly or hairy. (b.)A Woman Beast.


Taryn said...

Hi, Colleen! You are such a fabulous writer! And this is so definitely true, I spent several hours in beauty treatments this week, and will still spend a few more getting ready tomorrow. Ha, ha... Love you, girl, you are the best!!!

Colleen said...

Thanks for commenting Taryn. I figured you'd get a kick out of that. :)