Free to Be

Barkley Dances

2011-08-22T10:33:00.001-07:00

When I was in fourth grade, we started having sex-ed programs in school. It was stupid. They would separate the boys from the girls and we would all learn about our bodies and all us girls would watch these cheesy VHS movies about becoming a woman and all that mush. Bor-ang

My mother had already taken me out for an ice cream that previous summer and told me all about it in the car. That was one trip to Baskin Robbins I'll never forget. I'll never look at orange sherbet the same way again. It dripped down my arm as I sat there in pigtails while my mother told me about the birds and the bees. My mouth gaped open while I listened and wanted to throw up.

So, like I said, by the time I was sitting in class watching these stupid videos, I was way over the shock. I will however say that looking back, I'm so glad I heard about all that stuff from my mother first, instead of hearing it from anyone else.

It was also in fourth grade that kids were now allowed to enter "Barkley". Barkley was a very pretentious ballroom dance studio and every parent in our WASP town wanted their kid in Barkley once they hit fourth grade. They did not allow ballroom dancing at a younger age because they knew that the boys and girls would not be interested enough in one another to actually dance with each other. Up until this point we were still running abound the black top at school giving each other cootie shots because the boys would make us cry from all the punching of their dead arms.

But not in fourth grade. I don't know who decided that fourth grade was the magic number in our town, but somebody did. Maybe they all got together at the town meeting and decided that fourth grade was a good age for their children to grow up. Or maybe it's because puberty starts for most kids around 9 or 10. Actually, that's probably it, but I just like the idea of an town meeting.

Before I go any further I should probably explain Barkley a bit more. You see it wasn't just a dance class. It was an etiquette and manners class too. It was co-taught by a husband and wife and held at one of the snooty country clubs in town. The class was held in a large oval dance room with seats all around the outside. It had a dress code. Girls were required to wear party dresses, dress shoes and white gloves. Boys had to wear slacks, loafers, a button down shirt, and tie. Mr and Mrs. Barkley meant business. Every class they themselves were dressed to the nines. She was a very glamorous older woman and the only way to describe him was debonair.

The girls were taught to how to sit like a lady instead of like a slob. We were taught that the most polite way to sit was by tucking our legs under us and crossing our ankles, but the traditional crossover was okay too. Boys were also taught how to sit so that they didn't look like pre pubesent monkeys flopping all over the place in their chairs.

They taught us how to bow and curtsy and shake hands. Mostly though, they taught us how to dance. Mr and Mrs Barkely taught us everything. They would demonstrate the dance in the center of the room and then the little band of old timers they had would start to play and we would all follow. It was hilarious, but at the time it was no laughing matter. I remember we were all so nervous that at the end of each class, my white gloves would be damp because of all the sweaty hands I held. Thank goodness for those white gloves or I would have been wiping my hands on my dress every 10 seconds.

They taught us everything. The Box Step, the Cha Cha, the Waltz, the Charleston, the Pretzel, and on and on. By the time the lesson was over we would start to loosen up and have a good time with each other once we got the steps memorized. They also taught us how to politely cut in by tapping another person on the back of the shoulder. Then by the end of the session, it would become like a competition to see who could do it the best and the last couple dancing (who never made any mistakes) got a prize.

I remember one dress of mine in particular. It was pink with a high neck, and a satin bow in the front. I would wear it with the first pair of black patent leather tiny heels my mother bought for me. My favorite thing about the dress though was that it twirled. I would spin in a circle in front of the mirror and it would twirl way out. I loved to wear that dress to Barkley and get twirled by my partner while we danced. I felt like a little princess. It was the first time I ever experienced the feeling of breathlessness from a young man, but in the most innocent way possible. It was just a fun sweet feeling of wonderment, and the first time I felt recognized by a young boy as not some annoying pesky girl, but as someone a little bit mysterious and not like a child, but more like a young lady.

I can't believe this but Barkley now has a website. http://www.thebarclayclasses.com/aboutbarclay.html It's still going on apparently. If you've read this far then I'd encourage you to read the "About Barkley". And if you ever meet me on the dance floor and don't know what to do, then I'll just pull out my little white gloves and show you a thing or two.

Weddin' Sayin's

2011-08-08T16:32:00.000-07:00

I went to a wedding yesterday. This was my favorite saying:

"Choose your Love, then love your choice."

Nuff said.

Procrastinate-a

2011-04-26T18:52:00.000-07:00

Shoulda.
Coulda.
Woulda.
But I didn't.
...

Now I gotta.

The Runaway

2011-04-07T11:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was driving home from the grocery store when I saw something unusual. At the traffic light I looked over to see a young girl running down the sidewalk in dirty wet socks, a sleeveless shirt and no coat. I rolled my window down and shouted from three lanes over, "Honey, do you need help?" She was crying, red faced, cold with dirty scratches all over her arms. "No." She yelled back. Obviously, this kid needed help. I called out again, "Where are your shoes?" She just shook her head and buried her face in her hands. At that point she had reached the cross walk and was waiting to cross the street. The light turned and I had to go, but this was not a grown-up, this was a child and I couldn't ignore her. I pulled around into a parking lot just after the light and go out of my car in time to see her crossing the street and coming my direction.

This time I didn't give her the option to receive help, I just walked over to her and said, "Honey, let me help you. Let me help you, what happened?" She just started blubbering about how "He hits me and my brother. I hate him..." I tried to calm her down. I managed to find out that she was 11 and her name was Chloe. She wasn't making a whole lot of sense but was visibly cold so I explained to her that I was a teacher and that I would help her and told her to get in the car with me. She did and I brought her home with me.

In my head I was freaking out. I'd never done this sort of thing before. I totally reacted out of a mothering instinct I suppose. I had no idea what I was doing and it's a good thing my roommate wasn't home because I don't think she would have appreciated me bringing a runaway home.

Once we got to my place I told her to throw out her dirty socks and I gave her a clean pair, I found some shoes of mine for her to wear and gave her a sweatshirt. I sat her down on the couch and she began to calm down. I just kept telling her it was going to be okay, (not having any idea what that meant) but knowing that's what she needed to hear. I let her read some magazines and walked away and went to another other room to call the police.

In five minutes I had three police officers in my living room. It turned out that the person who was hurting her was not a man, but another child, which was a huge relief, but the situation was still really bad. Apparently her mother left her father for an old boyfriend and he's not a nice man. She said that he has never hurt her, but obviously he's a harsh man and she desperately wants to be with her real father.

It was all really intense. When all was said and done, the cops had to take her home, she hugged me and thanked me. I felt terrible letting her go, but I couldn't keep her.... I can however pray for her, forever. And I will, and hope that by casting my bread upon the water, someday, even if it's in eternity, it will come back to me.

A Month of Sundays and More...

2011-03-28T14:56:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning to a phone call from my doctor. I've been off of work for a month now and after my first and hopefully last MRI ever, they found the problem. There is a gigantic pregnant alien in my neck. Just kidding. I have a bulging disc in my lower cervical vertebrae.

I've lost track of doctor visits and watching the medical bills come rolling in make me feel like I'm on a game show. Every time I open an envelope it's like I hear a DING! in the backround and a voice inside my head goes "CONGRATULATIONS! You now owe 1,000,000 dollars to your insurance company!" Okay, okay it's not a millon dollars, but it might as well be on a preschool teachers budget.

So now I must wade into deeper, murkier unknown waters. A neurosurgen evaluation, spinal epidural injections...more PT. These are words I never expected to utter at the beginning of 2011.

I feel helpless in my body. Completly. Helpless. I miss running. I miss hiking. I miss my kids and being able to work in general. Most of all, I miss my health.

Lord, none of this is new to you. You know the end from the beginning. So I submit myself to you. Please take care of me and heal me in your time. Amen.

The Winds that Whirl

2011-02-20T22:44:00.000-08:00

My life is a whirlwind. So much so since I started going back to school at night (over a year ago) while working full time-that I have little time to allow myself to do the things I really enjoy doing, like writing. Like drawing with Sharpies. Like running. Like taking dance lessons. Like cooking. Like being a better friend...and the list goes on.

I've realized at this point in my life, something will always be gnawing at me to occupy my time...so tonight this phrase came to mind:

"Psalm 46:10a Be still and know that I am God."

Oh yes. How quickly we forget. I forget. My thoughts whirl like a dervish. But "His word is alive and active, sharper than any two edged sword..." So tonight I will,

Be Still.
And Know.
That He.
Is God.

Amen

The Things Women Do

2010-12-22T10:49:00.000-08:00

Getting a manicure without getting a pedicure feels as incomplete to me as putting on your bra, but forgetting your underpants.

However, getting a pedicure without a manicure always feels much more acceptable.

You just can't leave the house without your underwear on, you know what I mean?

Music that Romances the Soul

2010-12-13T14:17:00.000-08:00

Have you ever listened to a melody so beautiful that it makes you just about cry? I love this bit from Dances with Wolves. It was on today and I watched a little bit. John Barry is probably one of my favorite composers and this piece is so sweet...

The Good and the Perfect

2010-11-22T18:24:00.001-08:00

This past weekend I went car shopping with my friend Jeff. It turned out to be a real learning and growing experience. Here are my official 2 Rules of Car Buying:
1.Don't let them pressure you.
2.Don't buy it unless you love it.
3. Don't believe your Dad when he tells you, "Face it Colleen, you're buying a used car, you're going to have to settle."

(Okay, that last one was really for me only, but hey it's relevant to the story.)

So as Jeff and I are checking out the car that I went to see, I was immediately put off by the smell and the scratches on the inside. It was merely "okay". Nothing to write home about. Nothing to get all excited about. I was left with a general sense of "Meh, it'll do I suppose..." (Now oddly, I've experienced that feeling before, only it had nothing to do with cars.)

The salesman was also really pushy and I suppose with good reason. He was practically giving the car away to me. Which made it all the more logical that I buy that vehicle. "Are you sure you don't want it?" My friend Jeff asked as he raised his eyebrows. "This car is a steal if you do!" "I don't know." I said. "I just don't love it. There's nothing special about it and when I prayed about it I feel nothing from the Lord leading me to buy it."

So with that and admittedly some slight hesitation, I turned down the amazingly cheap offer.

Then I had this crazy thought, that I should hold out for what I really wanted and what I really wanted more than anything else was a car with heated seats. I told myself that I was being ridiculous but as I sought the Lord on this seemingly menial issue of buying a car, I felt as though the Lord wanted me to believe His ability to give me exactly what I wanted.

Now before I go any further I must say that I spent years grappling with the whole idea of telling God what I wanted and expecting Him to deliver on my command. That Prosperity Gospel has scared the pants off me and I repented of ever having come to God in that way in years gone by. However, I believe He was now doing a new thing in me and using this circumstance to show me HIS way.

So with the fear of the Lord in me, I patiently waited with expectation at what the Lord wanted to give me.

Not one week later did I get an email from a friend who had obediently sought the Lord (on my behalf!) that he found a car with heated seats and was I interested in checking it out. I told him straight up that we should see it as soon as possible. When we got to the dealership and I saw the car inside and out, I was dumbfounded. It was exactly what I wanted and more. It was too good to be true, but there it was.

Long story short, I bought that car; excuse me SUV and I praise my Heavenly Father for it. Because the reality is, it's not about the car, it's about the character of God. It's about His goodness and His faithfulness to know our hearts desires and how He wants us to trust Him with those desires.

You see, I could have bought the first car that I looked at and it would have been a perfectly good thing, but having sought the Lord and waited on Him; He gave me His best. There is no doubt in my mind about it.

Oh that we would be a people who seek the Lord at all times, pray about everything, and wait for His timing, because the Father is so faithful. ;-)

Matthew 7:11

"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

Things that rock my world

2010-11-19T18:25:00.000-08:00

Man Scruff.
Sprinting.
French Press Coffee.
My black Labrador, Lily.
Michael Jackson's song PYT
Peach Foaming Hand Scrub.
Firepits.
Mint lip balm.
Salted Chocolate.
Rock Climbing.
The colors pink and orange.(On me.)
The colors blue and green. (At home.)
Orchids.
Sliding between my white sheets with a heating pad at my feet.
Orange flavored water.
Heated car seats.
Light switch dimmers.
The sound of a fan lulling me to sleep.

Amelia Mixed the Mustard

2010-10-24T09:47:00.000-07:00

I love A.E. Housman's poetry. I read this poem as a child and it has stuck with me all through my life...

Amelia mixed the mustard,
She mixed it good and thick;
She put it in the custard
And made her Mother sick,
And showing satisfaction
By many a loud huzza
'Observe' said she 'the action
Of mustard on Mamma.'

Snowflakes

2010-10-02T14:49:00.000-07:00

The snowflakes were falling like white feathers from a pillow fight. I watched them softly make their way to the ground, landing on the earth, like quiet kisses in the night.

Dream Girl

2010-08-08T23:16:00.000-07:00

Okay. So I had another vivid dream the other night. I feel it is important to write these dreams down, because at times, they have come to pass or the Lord speaks something to me about them so here we go...

I had an infant placed into my arms, a boy. I did not give birth to him, but he was my child. No sooner did I receive him when someone placed another baby in my arms. Again this child was not from my own womb, but it was mine just the same; a girl.

I remember feeling excited and very overwhemled at the same time. I didn't know how to hold them both at the same time or how to put them down.

I'm not sure if this dream means that someday I will adopt children, or if they were a metaphor of the Lord handing me two things, projects, etc... at the same time to take care of later in life.

All in all, it was a pretty neat dream...

Cobwebs

2010-07-25T15:58:00.000-07:00

Like cobwebs in the corners of my mind
lie memories of things that I would rather forget
and just as with the sweep of a hand I brush them aside.
Yet the spider's of regret spin their webs and wait for me to glance at them.

I am and will be forever brushing them aside.

Romans 12:2

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Music, for when I can't find the words...

2010-06-27T20:52:00.000-07:00

Just Listen

Weddings and Whatnot...

2010-06-27T09:32:00.000-07:00

I went to a beautiful wedding yesterday. It was out in horse farm country. There were in fact two horses on the property at the house where the wedding was held. The house had a beautiful extra large red door and two white rocking chairs out front. It was a farmhouse rambler, all in white with a tiny red barn in the meadow for the horses.

The ceremony was held in the front yard and the sun decided to finally grace us and Mt. Rainier was in full splendor as if looking on. It was pretty much spectacular. There were flowers everywhere. The meadow was covered with wild yellow Buttercups and the tables and lawn area were decked with pink peonies, white roses and sprigs of mint and rosemary bound together and were everywhere you looked. The smell was intoxicating and delicious. It was a perfect blend of what I call Rustic Elegance that would have made Pottery Barn jealous.

Weddings have become a bittersweet thing for me. I went with a married couple and when I got there, I realized that almost everyone at the wedding was already married. I would say about 85 to 90%. I looked around for people to talk and mingle with but everywhere I turned it was couples chatting with couples, talking about each other, or their young children. It sounds ironic, but I really did feel unintentionally singled out.

I was the only single person at my dinner table. Everyone else had there spouse to lean on for that awkward social support when sitting at a table with people you don't know. So I had to force my way into conversations with those sitting next to me so that I didn't have to feel silly eating my dinner and having only my plate to look at.

I started to feel self pity rising up as I sat there, helplessly looking around. It took every ounce of me to grab hold of my thoughts and not give in to the facts of my circumstances, but I could not deny that behind my curled hair and pretty dress, deep inside, my heart was so sad....and I ached.

Luke 18:1
"Now He was telling them a parable to show that at all times they ought to pray and not to lose heart..."

I love this scripture. However, under these sort of circumstances when I read it or meditate on it I don't pray for a husband. I stopped praying for one quite a time ago because the Lord knows my heart on that matter and I don't feel I need to remind him. These days and however long He wills, I pray for the grace to live single and pure, in a world where marriage and sex is esteemed and glorified and singleness and celibacy is to be pitied.

" I have craved and walked away in silence and I have learned to be free."
-Heather Clark

Summer

2010-06-08T22:44:00.000-07:00

The sound of my flip flops.
The way my long cotton skirt shifts in the breeze.
The sound of ice tea tinkling in my glass as it sweats in my hand.
I know it's summer and it feels good to be warm again.

On being a Pitiful Wretch

2010-05-26T20:56:00.000-07:00

Here's the thing about self pity. I sure don't feel a whole lot better about myself when I pity myself. I've gained nothing worthwhile by examining my morbid state. I don't feel any better. I feel depressed. I feel more pathetic. More insecure.

Nope, self pity has got to go...bye bye.

"I Smell Poop!"

2010-05-24T22:20:00.000-07:00

I don't have the greatest sense of smell and since I'm a lot taller than my kids, I don't always catch the smell of soiled diaper....

But the children are always faithful to rat each other out.

So today for the umteenth time this year, Jimmy hollered "I smell poop!" and pointed to the sweet little Russian boy who is about a year and half younger than he is. I walked over to Joseph and pulled back the elastic on the back of his little pants. Sure enough, there was a whole bunch of Hershey Kisses in there.

"Come one Joseph." I said and took one sturdy little hand while he held a toy truck in the other and we walked to the bathroom together. As I started helping in the bathroom we have our usual potty conversation that goes something like this:

Joseph: "Ewwwww! Yuck!"
Me: "Eww, yuck is right Joseph."
Joseph: "I do goot?"
Me: "You do goot. You just need to poop in the potty now, okay?"
Joseph: "Goot."
Me: "Goot."

And then I get a bear hug around my neck as I'm trying to clean him up.

Them Russians.

Still love 'em.

They know more than we think they do

2010-05-24T22:04:00.000-07:00

"I had a dream about flowers, and in every flower, there was a light."

Her words touched me deeply and that phrase has lingered in my head for days now and she is only four years old...

Imagine that.

Prepared and Ready

2010-05-12T00:24:00.000-07:00

I'm not what you'd call an "able bodied woman", but I silently wish I was sometimes. You know what I'm talking about. The sort of woman who has strong wrists, shoulders, hands and feet. The sort of woman who has curves and hips made for childbearing.
Those women are built strong. Those are the sort of women who made it during the pioneer days.

I wouldn't have last very long back then, I don't think. The other day I was at a party and someone made the comment "You look like a Chopstick!" I thought she was referring to the black leggings I was wearing, but no, she was referring to the way I looked in the leggings.

And just because a person is on the smaller side doesn't automatically mean they are in shape, because looks can be deceiving...

Case in point about my frame? My exhausting hike this morning.

Bandera Mountain (Click on the name.)

A friend of mine asked me to go hiking with her and I said yes, but I told her that I was out of shape and asked if we could do a light, easy hike only. She said sure and assured me that it would be an easy three miles round trip.

The problem was, it wasn't easy and it certainly was not three miles. No. It was quite an arduous hike in fact. Something I did not feel I was able to do and we ran into some unforseen circumstances along the way.

First off the incline never leveled out, instead it kept getting steeper and more rocky. I kept thinking "Surly this is going to get easier..." as I panted and hauled my body over boulder after boulder. Then there was the snow thing. I wore my hiking/water sneakers and knew that if I had to stomp through a ton of snow, I was going to have some seriously wet feet.

(One of my climbing partners.)

I wasn't prepared for this. I wasn't expecting this and I wasn't ready or equipped.

Luckily, neither of the other two women were dressed for snow so we veered off path A and took path B which had much less snow. Only problem was, this path was straight up the mountain. At a 90 degree angle. I was intimidated by this mountain because I knew I did not have the strength, endurance or stamina to keep climbing. The thing of it was, there was no turning back. I had to keep going.

(Bandera Mountain, Cascade Mt. Range, WA)

So up I went. And that's when I started to feel a ping in my heart by the Spirit of God. "Are you ready for Him? Are you prepared for Him?" Is the thought that kept going through my mind as I climbed. At that point I felt like my immediate situation was a direct reflection of my heart and my answer was "No." "No I'm not ready for Jesus and no I'm not prepared." This is what I was thinking as I was climbing and panting and feeling my knees and my thighs start to ache and it made me feel very sad and disappointed in myself.

But I couldn't keep thinking about myself. There was a mountain to climb and ready or not I was climbing it. Looking straight up was so overwhelming, so I decided to just take it one step at a time and focus on climbing over the rock that was in front of me. (No use in dwelling on the fact that I'm exhausted and feel like I blew it, because I've got to climb it now.)

And one step at a time, I climbed that mountain. I was the last of the three of us. I stopped thinking about anything else except doing exactly what was in front of me. I was focused. Tired, but focused. Weary, but focused. My goal was the top of the mountain. Then somewhere close to the top they called down for me to stop. "We'ved decided to stop here." They said. Something about it taking too long and we would have a break and go back down. I didn't think much of it at the time. I was relieved that I could be done and sit and rest.

Rest I did in the big tall grass. I sipped on my camel back and took the wax casing off my cheese and ate it. I stared in awe at Mt. Rainer before me and all the other mountains around us.

Twas only later that it dawned on me. We didn't finish. And oddly not because I didn't want to, but because I was told to stop going. I certainly wasn't about to haul off into the wilderness on my own. We came as a group so we stayed as a group.

As I'm sitting here typing this tonight and thinking about the parallel this draws me to when I think about the Body of Christ and what Paul has admonished us to do. How many Christians start off with fervent vigor to serve God, but lose their stamina along the way. They burn out, get bored, lose interest, fall back, veer off, get distracted, lose heart and the list goes on why people don't Finish.

The people I was with prevented me from finishing. (And I don't say that as a critisism in the natural.) So let me ask you this, Do the Christian's you hang out with prevent you from finishing what the Lord is calling you to? Namely, intimacy and a love relationship with Christ? Does the Church you attend prevent you from seeking Christ as a Body, or do they invite and welcome what the Spirit of God wants to do?

These are some very serious questions that we as believers must ask ourselves. I was blessed to see a lot of the Lord's beauty today and by his grace He enabled me to see incredible views of his creation, but the fullness of it at the top of that mountain was not to be had...today.

I hope I get to go back and revisit that mountain and reach the top. In better shape (spiritually and physically) and Finish .

Mt. Rainier

I wish I knew who wrote this song, because I feel the lyrics are apropos of what my experience symbolized today...

I have decided to follow Jesus;
I have decided to follow Jesus;
I have decided to follow Jesus;
No turning back, no turning back.
Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
No turning back, no turning back.
The world behind me, the cross before me;
The world behind me, the cross before me;
The world behind me, the cross before me;
No turning back, no turning back.
Though none go with me, still I will follow;
Though none go with me, still I will follow;
Though none go with me, still I will follow;
No turning back, no turning back.
Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
No turning back, no turning back.

Circles

2010-05-03T14:34:00.001-07:00

Today at circle time I was asking the children what they had done over the weekend. One child said, "I went to the zoo!" Another, "I played with my mom!" And "I played with my toys." Then I asked another little boy who tends to be somewhat naughty at school and asked him what he did over the weekend. "I got a spanking." He said forlornly as he looked at the ground. And that's what he remembered from his weekend.

:(

A Thousand Bee Stings

2010-05-02T15:44:00.000-07:00

You've known a thousand bee stings to the heart.
Is what it felt like.

Just when you thought you can't cry any more
the tears are still falling to the floor.
And there is nothing I can do.
Save pray my friend, for you.

This season of the killer bees
will not destroy a heart at peace.
Broken though I know it is,
Peace be still, your heart to ease.

And with the season's thankful end
The Lord will settle your heart again.

Secret Places

2010-04-25T10:03:00.000-07:00

I know a secret place. Do you?

Psalm 91
1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.

4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,

6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.

8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-

10 then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.

11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

All we need to do is simply Abide.

The House on Titchner Road

2010-04-24T23:35:00.000-07:00

Please don't buy this house. It's up for sale right now and I'm feeling very crumby about the whole thing. This house is the last physical remaining thread of my childhood and if you buy this house on this perfect tiny plot of land in Vermont, then part of me will disappear behind a veil of memories that I will never be able to come back to visit.

Please don't buy this house. The unfinished basement will mean nothing to you, but the musty smell that floated into my nose the minute you opened the basement door was a smell that I loved and as a child I would open the door, stick my head inside and pretend to eat the air for a moment and then shut the door and keep on walking.

As well, your grandmother did not skate around on roller skates with hot pink wheels while Janet Jackson sang Rhythm Nation in the background in this basement. But mine did.

I remember the first time I got my period was in this house, in the bathroom here on Thanksgiving. I made my whole family late for dinner and I was humiliated about the whole incident.

Please don't buy this house. If egg shells grew like flowers then there would be a field of eggs growing down the hill because of all the eggs we would throw at the trees for fun.

As kids, we used to sleep in the closets too. Not because my parents were cruel but because the closets are huge and perfect for hiding in with flashlights and sleeping bags and little children in their pajamas.

And before we had the chance to buy sleds, we would go sledding down the hill on garbage bags in the snow. There was also a tee-pee fort that was built out of broken trees in the forest behind our house. We pretended that the Indians of the Vermont Woods from long ago abandoned that fort and it was left for us to explore and rebuild.

It was here where my mother would catch toads and salamanders in the summer and let us hold them in our hands. It was here where we would take the dog down to the lake at the end of the day to watch her go swimming and catch frogs.

On summer nights, the sky was so clear and dark and silent and we would lie out on beach towels and watch all the shooting stars and stare in wonder up at the sky.

This is the place were I learned how to play a mean game of badminton, drive a car, paint rocks and realize that family entertainment was us entertaining each other, rather than going to an amusement park to be entertained.

So I'm just going to ask you one more time, please don't buy this house. It will welcome you with open arms. It will teach you how to be quiet. It will teach you that paying attention to one another is more important than paying attention to the television. It will teach you to slow down, because there is not a whole lot else to do except enjoy the company of the loved ones you came with and the quiet beauty of the woods around you.

Don't buy this house. Unless of course, you really want to.

Believing...

2010-04-19T22:01:00.000-07:00

I wonder how much we wouldn't miss of God, if we'd only just believe.

Cho-co-late

2010-04-18T22:21:00.000-07:00

When in doubt, chocolate out.
When for sure, chocolates cure.
When you cry, chocolate pie
And when you break up chocolates make up.

(Well, not really but I like the idea.)

On the balcony in my bare feet after the rain and before the sun

2010-04-17T21:21:00.000-07:00

On still evenings when no one seems to be alive,
I go out on the balcony.
There is no other way to catch my breath.
Yet I have not been running.
Or climbing stairs.
Or falling in love.
I just can't catch my breath.
Out on the balcony this evening in my barefeet and faded jeans, I visited the ending of the rain.
And there I caught my breath again.
And breathed out the sadness.
And breathed out the cobwebs in my throat.
And then my roommate came home.

And I never said a thing about it, because I never do.

I dream

2010-04-17T19:30:00.000-07:00

In my dream I'm in Tuscany, Italy and I'm riding a bicycle all throughout the wine country. I found this quote by Ernest Hemingway...

"It is by riding a bicycle that you learn the contours of a country best, since you have to sweat up the hills and coast down them. Thus you remember them as they actually are, while in a motor car only a high hill impresses you, and you have no such accurate remembrance of country you have driven through as you gain by riding a bicycle."

And then I go back to the little Piazza Navona which is in Rome. Only this time, I ride my bike.

For Fun...

2010-04-12T20:09:00.000-07:00

From Russia with Love

2010-04-10T01:04:00.000-07:00

This spring, I have a new student in my classroom. He is from Russia and so are his parents. They have very typical Russian names and have very stereotypical Russian accents; even their little one does.

I, being the ever witty accent connoisseur was able to pick up rather quickly on their accent and since the little one has a good sense of humor, I talk to him in a Russian and he thinks it's hilarious.

Since I cannot convey the accent over computer you will just have to take my word for it. If Joseph is being mischievous and running around the classroom I say,

"Joseph! Yoo stup rrrunning naow or Motha RRRussia vill come get yoo!"

He bursts out laughing heartily like this, "Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho!" I'm not joking. That's how he laughs, it's a riot. I've never heard anybody really laugh like that except for men dressed up as a santa clause and even then it's all a show.

I find that I quite enjoy talking like that with him. I wish I could do it all day. I was in the sandbox with him today. I was on my knees and he was sitting next to me, leaning into my waste when I said, "Joseph, do I sound like your mother when I talk like that? He smiled a sly smile and said in his deep little Russian voice, "Yeassss."

You gotta love them Russians.

I sure do.

Things I hate being responsible for:

2010-04-05T20:55:00.000-07:00

Car things- buying one and other dumb car problems.
Budgeting- I do it, but I hate having to keep track of how much I'm spending. I wish someone would just say, "Here, this is how much you can spend a month."
Taxes- Hate anything and all things that have to do with math and taxes.
Computers- Hate'em all.
Getting up and going to work in the morning- I mean, sheesh! The nerve!
Insurance= Chinese as far as I'm concerned.

Math and Taxes

2010-04-05T20:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I hate being responsible for my life. :( But I did it anyway.

No Foolin'

2010-04-01T16:38:00.000-07:00

Well, it's April 1st again. My birthday. Way to go Lord for timing that one! I like being born on the first day of the month. There are only 12 days out of a possible 365 that that can happen to a person and I got one! My coworker didn't believe it when she found out though. She thought it was a joke and called my supervisor and had her look in my file to double check. Which I suppose would make a good April Fool's joke.

I'm supposed to meet some girls for dinner, but I'm contemplating renting some ridiculous costume to show up in and maybe get kicked out for being a sideshow. Now that would be a memorable birthday...wouldn't it?

Garments of Salvation

2010-03-28T09:34:00.000-07:00

I hate that stupid saying that goes "When life hands you lemons, make Lemonade." I've been handed more lemons in my life that if I tried to make lemonade, I just might drown in it. And besides, I don't have enough sugar.

I do however very much enjoy the saying that goes "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free." I want that freedom. I want to gobble it all up. I want to leave my rotten old self behind and gobble up all the freedom that Christ died for to set me free. And not so that I can go and live like the Queen of Sheba on a mountain top saying "Look at me! I'm free! I'm free!" No. I want to live the words Isaiah declared in chapter 61:

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.

5 Aliens will shepherd your flocks;
foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.

6 And you will be called priests of the LORD,
you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
and in their riches you will boast.

7 Instead of their shame
my people will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
they will rejoice in their inheritance;
and so they will inherit a double portion in their land,
and everlasting joy will be theirs.

8 "For I, the LORD, love justice;
I hate robbery and iniquity.
In my faithfulness I will reward them
and make an everlasting covenant with them.

9 Their descendants will be known among the nations
and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
that they are a people the LORD has blessed."

10 I delight greatly in the LORD;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

11 For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness and praise
spring up before all nations."

For only by the power of the Holy Spirit are these things possible. Let Him breathe on you today, so that like the title of this blog, you too may be Free to Be (His).

Locusts and Honey

2010-03-20T21:14:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you don't know what to do?
What do you think when there are no words to speak?
How do you move when there is no where to go?
How do you move forward when the road has disappeared?

I don't know. So I'm just going wait and trust that when the Lord is ready to show me, I will have eyes to see and ears to hear, because God knows...I'm listening.

Little Mouths Talk Big

2010-02-22T17:44:00.000-08:00

On the Playground:

Child walks over to me and says in passing. "I've got medicine in my muscles." "Really? How is that?" I ask. "Well you see, I went to the doctor and they put two shots in this arm (points to his arm) and then they put one shot in this arm (points to his other arm) and now I have medicine in my muscles. So don't touch it."

Playing in the block area; a conversation between three boys:

Boy 1: "Hey Puppy-Puppy!"
Boy 2: "I'm not a puppy."
Boy 3: "He's not a puppy. He's a real boy."
Boy 1: "Hey Real Boy! Hey Real Boy!"

Boy and Girls

Boy looks at girl adoringly and asks "Will you be my wife?"
Girl looks at him and wrinkles up her face and says, "Your what?! What's that?" and walks off....

Big Talk, from Little Mouths (3 year old's to be exact)...

Child points to the artwork on the wall of the classroom and says to the other children, "This is called advertising."

Child is playing House with two other children and they cannot decide who is going to do what so the girl says, "We need to improvise."

Lunch Table:

"Oh No!" She said. "I spilled milk all over my brand new Target pants!"

Child points to the expensive ring on my finger that a friend bought for me from Spain and asks, "Is that your ring?" "Why yes it is, do you like it?" I asked expectantly. "No." She says flatly. "It's ugly."

Out of the Mouths of Babes

2010-01-23T21:39:00.000-08:00

Teacher Colleen: "Here, let me help you..."
Child: "No, let me help myself."

Child: "I like a baby in my tummy-mommy, so I can have a tiny little baby."
Teacher Colleen: "Me too." I said. "Me too."

On the Playground....
He came over to me and kissed me on the butt. "You're the nicest girl in the whole world." He said adoringly. I think he would have kissed me on the face, by my butt was eye level and I guess that was good enough...

At Christmas:
Child: "Hey Teachur!" She exclaimed. "I pooped like a candy-cane!"

While putting on coats:
One little girl to another: "God died and He's in our hearts now."

While doing Art:
Child to Child: "Where do you live?"
Response: "In my house, next to grass."

The World According to Preschoolers

2010-01-21T22:11:00.000-08:00

First things first at school today: "Teacher Colleen, what is that?" A little boy asks as he points to the floor. I look down. There is a brown smear across the floor and a brown round ball next to the end of the smear. "Uh, that looks like a poop! Ew!" I said. "Ew." He said. "Who did this? " I asked. "That must have fallen out of someone's pants." I said. Turns out it feel out of a diaper. Yay for preschool. :/

Playground Conversations: 3yr old boy: "Teacher Colleen, I play games with my Daddy's iPhone!" Me: "Oh that's fun. I don't have one of those. I don't know how to use it." 3yr. old boy: (Very matter of fact) "You really need an iPhone." .....Precocious little kid.

Cry Babies: There was one little boy who cried and wailed for an hour straight today. Finally one little girl said with very wide and shocked eyes: "Teacher Colleeeen! He's gonna cry his face off!!" (My thought? I hope he does.)

Tragedy

2009-11-29T17:51:00.000-08:00

I have a friend who has experienced a terrible tragedy in her young little family. She is a young mother of a two year old girl and was two weeks away from delevering her second daughter, when the baby died inside her womb. They had to induce her and like adding insult to injury, she had to go through the pain of labor only to deliver a dead child.

I drove home from work today and cried all the way. I cannot imagine how devestating that must be. It's a personal tramua to a woman's body and then it's a tragedy to the family. I'm heartbroken for her.

I keep thinking about the Lord in this situation. He knew this was going to happen. He knew that child would never make it out alive. I can't help but wonder why, but I know there will be no answer for this. I just want to go and sit with her like Job's friends just sat with him. They spoke nothing for 7 days because Job's devestation was too great for words.

(Job 2:13 Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.)
I get that. Sometimes, in situations like this words just mess things up more. I've been devestated before in my own little heart, but pain like that...I've never known.

The Mauling

2009-11-20T12:34:00.000-08:00

This morning I was mauled by six three year olds. It started when I was at home getting dressed for school. I have these long dangly silver earrings that I decided to wear to work and once I got to school every kid it the class wanted to touch them, but really, they don't end up touching them they end up touching all of my face and hair and glasses...
"Why you wear glasses?"
"I can never see you eyes!"
"You chewing gum?"
"I wanna see it!"
"Why you chewing gum?"
"What color is it?"
"Why you got them earrings?"
"Who gave them to you?"
"I wanna touch."

I was sitting in the "van" that we made out of large blocks with one child in my lap and the barrage happened so fast that I couldn't get up in time. By the time they were done I looked like I either just woke up or was, well, mauled by children as it were.

Then earlier i was sitting on the couch with the "I Love You Girl" when she grabbed my face in her hands and said "I love you!" and planted a kiss right on my lips. All I could do was think about the germs she was giving me but what was I gonna do? Nothing.

Yep. Mauled by children. It a good thing I like my job, because at the end of the day, I leave just as much a mess as they do.

Either...

2009-11-09T19:26:00.000-08:00

I'm a narcoleptic or I've truly become "like father like daughter."

Let me explain. Ever since I started my new job (woo hoo new job) I feel like a racehorse going around the track for eight hours everyday. I. Don't. Stop. I can't stop. I'm not allowed to stop. I have to have eyes in the back of my head and Go-go Gadget arms. The thing is, so far I never feel tired at work, ever.

However, once I get myself home and I'm sitting in front of the TV or reading I book I have noticed a strange phenomenon. I fall asleep. I can fall asleep and be absolutely out in five minutes. I'm not talking about dozing on the couch either. I'm talking dead asleep.

I only know one other person like this. My father. I used to make so much fun of him growing up because without fail, once he came home from work he would fall asleep as soon as you put the TV on. It was impossible for him to stay awake if he was going to watch a show. Now, I'm doing the same thing. My roommate thinks this is pretty funny as it happens very often around her.

I'm not sure I'm amused....

Reaching the Heart of a Child

2009-11-09T12:26:00.000-08:00

I've been at my new job for one month. I can't believe it's only been that long, because it feels longer than that. It's been great. Exhausting, but great. I'm so happy with where the Lord has placed me. I never would have pegged myself as a preschool teacher, but I dare say I almost feel like I was made to do this and doing so feels like putting on a comfortable glove. It just fits.

My interactions with the children are immediate and the bond that develops between myself as caregiver/teacher with children at this age is very strong for them. They are so little, only three or four and they hunger for love, attention and affection all day. Some are more needy than others and that's okay too.

There is one little girl there who I have to admit is so darling. She's a scrappy little thing. Not too skinny, not to fat. She starts out everyday looking clean and presentable but by the end of the day, she looks like a tornado. Her hair is a mess and her clothes are dirty. She has taken quite a shining to me and I must confess the feelings are mutual.

Anyway, we hadn't seen each other because the H1N1 was flying around our school and she was sick and then I was sick so I hadn't seen her in over a week.

So today, when I walked back into class and saw her she came barreling over to me at full force and threw her arms around me and for the first time ever she said to me "I love you." "Come and read to me." She said. So I walked over to the couch and sat down with her and began to read. She then interrupted me. "Hug me!" She demanded. So I hugged her. The whole time I read she made sure she was touching me. As I turned the pages she kept her little hand upon my hand. It was adorable.

Today we read books. Did arts and crafts. Did circle time and I read to them about a spider. We sang "The Mighty Duke of York". We had lunch where one little girl insisted that the core of my apple was in fact a pickle and we had a nap. (Well, not me, they did.) That was a typical first half of my morning.

Not bad.

Now if you'll excuse me, I hear these cookies calling my name....

Conversations with Children

2009-10-24T23:09:00.000-07:00

There is one particular child on the playground that often comes looking for hugs and informs me of conversational facts:

"Teacher, This is called a sweatshirt. It sweats me." He told me that the other day. (It sure does.)

Also, I was told this:

"You smell like a popsicle!" Uh, I'm pretty sure that's a good thing?

Lastly, I was told this:

"Teacher! He pooped in his pants and I can smell it!" Said one little girl pointing to the little boy playing next to her who has frequent accidents. "Did you poop in your pants?" I asked him. He nodded shyly. (Oh brother.)

At Lunchtime: "My face is hungry." Says one little girl to the other.

Green Beans and Carrots

2009-10-24T22:25:00.000-07:00

She hated eating her green beans and carrots. You know the frozen kind that's packaged with the word "Medley" on it? I never got that. Medley. Sounds like Melody, but it's not. It means it's a mix and in her case it was a mix of miserable vegetables.

That's all she remembered about dinnertime as a small child. Sitting on small red plastic chair at a small fold up table with pastel bears on it. She would be sitting there alone in the kitchen; paper napkin tucked under her chin, cold green beans and carrots and a now room temperature small glass of milk.

She was crying. She was only three, four at best and the rule was that she was not excused until she ate all her vegetables. It was a pathetic sight, I can only imagine.

Have you ever, as an adult, thought way back to when you were a child and felt sorry for your little self?

Every time I think about that memory, I do.

It's a wonder I wasn't permanently scarred from vegetables, but now I eat them with the voraciousness of a rabbit every day of my adult life.

One thing's for sure though, should I ever have children, I'm not gonna leave them at the dinner table to cry it out.

No. Their dessert stomach will just have to go...empty.

Hermit Girl

2009-10-24T22:08:00.000-07:00

I am the Hermit Girl!
I have no time for you.
I go to work, I go to school
that's all there is to do.

I am the Hermit Girl.
I'm living in my prime.
I work, I study.
I study, I work.
No time for friends, I'm such a jerk.

That's what they think.
I know it's true.
til 2013 I'm turning blue.

I am the Hermit Girl!
I have a Hermit Head.
I can't be bothered to colored it
I'm going gray instead!

So much for dating.
So much for cool.
I am the Hermit Girl!

Hermit Boy are you out there too?

Baking

2009-10-23T20:16:00.000-07:00

Ah, if only I looked like this in the kitchen when it came to baking. Cooking I can do and do it pretty well as I enjoy it. Baking though is a science that requires being exact and I don't "do" exact very well. :/

Maybe one of these days I will aspire to this, but until then I'll just wear my cute apron and fake it.

Little Whippersnappers

2009-10-09T23:03:00.000-07:00

"Don't forget to remind me that I love you." That's what I was told today by one of my male students while he raised his eyebrows at me the whole time he said it. I wonder if he'll be as coy when I finding him doing something naughty out on the playground?

Mommies and Daddies and Babies Oh My!

2009-09-24T11:36:00.000-07:00

Today I had the privilege of spending the morning shadowing a teacher at a preschool. We were out on the playground and one little boy seemed to take a liking to me. He was a chubby little kid who will for sure make an amazing linebacker someday.

We were hanging out by the slide when he informed me, "Babies come out of Mommies tummy's."
"Yeeesss." I said cautiously. "That's right, they do."
"Babies come out of Mommies tummy's." He said again in a very matter of fact sort of way.
"Yes, that's right." I replied.
"Well, are you a Mommy?" He asked thoughtfully.
"No, I'm not a Mommy." I said.
"How come you're not a Mommy?" He asked.
"Because I don't have a Daddy." Is what I wanted to say, but this is a public preschool, and a very liberal state where anything goes. So I decided to tell him... "Because, I'm just not."

He seemed satisfied with that.

(Phew.)

Bunny Suits and Twinkle Lights

2009-09-22T12:40:00.000-07:00

When I was young we used to spend every Thanksgiving in Bucks County Pennsylvania. That was where my Uncle Bob and Aunt Anita used to live. I loved it out there. They lived in a ranch style house on an acre of land that had a little red barn shed in the back for the tractor and a horse farm next door.

The drive between New Jersey and Pennsylvania always seemed to take forever as a kid. So before we would leave my Aunt and Uncle's house at the end of the night, my mother would have the three of us kids change into our pajamas. We wore our bunny suits home. You know, the kind that have feet attached to them and the snap across the top? My little sister wore yellow, my brother wore blue and mine was purple.

I loved my bunny suit. It was warm, cozy and complete with a hole for my big toe to stick out because I grew too fast. I remember my brother had a hole in the top of his bunny suit too. I remember because I thought his toe was ugly.

So we would pile into our blue station wagon complete with our Black Labrador, Bonnie in the way back and head home. At this time of year though, we always made one special stop. There is this wonderful little place in Pennsylvania called Peddler's Village and from November through early January they would decorate the entire village with twinkle lights.

It has grown considerably throughout the years, but it still consists of winding cobblestone streets, charming merchant shops and a water mill. The very best part though was the holiday twinkle lights. Every shop, ever window, tree, and ridge pole of a roof was outlined in Christmas lights. It was stunning. I'm sure it still is.

So my parents would stop there on our way home and because it was Thanksgiving night, the place was virtually empty. We would have the entire little village to ourselves. The best part about it was that my parents let us roam around in our pajamas and no shoes because of our bunny feet. As a little kid I can't convey how thrilling the experience was to freely run around the town in nothing by my pajamas and maybe my jacket if it was extra cold.

There would be Christmas music piped out through the loudspeakers and I would run to the little toy store that was lit up and press my face against the glass and stare in at the porcelain dolls and look at them longingly.

My sister and I would skip and shriek with excitement and run to the gazebo to see the gingerbread house display and salivate over the prettiest ones. My parents would walk behind us hand in hand and eventually get lost behind a tree for a moment or two before stepping back out to join us.

Maybe someday I'll have the privlidge of going back there to visit that wonderful place with the twinkle lights, but it won't be quite the same without that bunny suit. ;)

Please check out this website. and click on the pictures as it explains everything attached to my memory...

Food For Thought

2009-09-22T11:23:00.000-07:00

“When we discipline ourselves to behold Jesus in every circumstance, a transformation occurs. We learn how to sit, wait and watch for Him everyday. The Holy Spirit teaches us about face-to-face, personal adoration; it comes from a worship that flows from a place of rest. When we sit at Jesus’ feet and just be, as Mary did, we behold Him. Worship cannot come out of striving, but out of stillness. Spending time with God gives us a touch from Him - this touch is such a pleasure that it will cause a spirit of adoration to well up in us, and overflow.” Graham Cooke

Fun Things You Should Try

2009-09-19T23:58:00.000-07:00

#37 Order you favorite coffee drink by a different name.

I went to Fourbucks with a friend this morning. When they asked for the name on my drink I told them "Babe". "Babe?" He asked. "Yup. That's right, Babe". "But what's your real name he asked?" My real name's Colleen, but no one ever hears my real name correctly OR spells it right so Babe makes it a whole lot easier for the both of us."

Plus, I like hearing people call me Babe, which sounds kinda stupid or maybe it's just pathetic because in actuality, I'm no one's Babe, but hey, I'll take what I can get. ;)

Late Night Musings

2009-09-19T23:43:00.000-07:00

Right now I am couch-cozy. It is gently raining outside and the roommate is long asleep. I am wearing my hideous glasses and stripped socks with ripped jeans and a hoodie. The shame of it is...this is like, my favorite kind of outfit. There is a half eaten burrito sitting on the coffee table and a big lump in my belly because of the other half that's in there. I wish I could eat the whole thing it tastes that good, but my stomach won't allow that much food. So I guess I'm done.

And so is this post. Peace Out.

The dreams inside my head

2009-09-18T19:17:00.000-07:00

I just had a nightmare of seismic proportions. In my nightmare my brother and sister were very little again, but I was the age I am now. We lived in a huge mansion and I was talking on the phone. This wasn't just any conversation though, oh no. It was a very important job interview and in the background all I can hear is shrieking and yelling. I keep running to different parts of the house, trying to hide from their loud horseplay but they keep managing to find me.

The thing was, I wanted to put my hand over the phone and scream my head off at them to shut up, but I couldn't, because it was job interview and I needed to remain totally composed. So I spent the whole dream running away from them and they spent the whole dream inadvertently following me with a trail of shrieking, screaming laughter.

It was miserable. I just woke up feeling anxious inside, that's why I say it was a nightmare.

It felt so real, like it was really happening to me. Then again, most of my dreams feel that way.

I know why I had that dream...and no, it's not a joking foretaste of Motherhood. (Although, I suppose it could have been.) The dream was my subconscious acting out the total lack of control that I have at the moment. I think something big is about to happen with the whole job thingy, but how it will play out I do not know, so here's to winging it...

Slacklining...for real...(metaphorically speaking).

2009-09-17T14:59:00.000-07:00

Faith is like a slackline. I've slacklined before and I'm terrible at it. However, I also really enjoy slacklining. It builds balance and concentration and forces you to use muscles you didn't know you had. I've only done it between trees, but if you get really good, you can do it over crazy deep divides between climbing expeditions. The thing is if you look down, you'll never make it across one of those deep divides (At least, I wouldn't). You have to keep your eyes ahead and just keep putting one foot in front of the other, because when you are so far out on the slackline sometimes it's the turning back that would make you fall more than the prospect of actually going forward.

So last night, I crawled into bed and started to cry. I'm on the slackline and I don't dare look down. "But God..." this and "But God..." that. I said through my tears as I lay there and looked up at the ceiling. Then before I could get into the complaining I remembered Caleb and Joshua again. They took the Promise Land because they believed. God told them over and over again "Do not be discouraged, do not be afraid" and the Word says "God did great things." How can we expect God to do great things if we can do them in our own strength? Where is the adventure or excitement in that?

Still...I see things starting to unfold quickly in my life. Where there was a long season of silence, nary a wind even, all of a sudden things are starting to change so fast and I just can't figure it out or keep up with how it's all going to happen and I think that's the point. I think I'm just along for the crazy ride.

More to come.....!

Last Night

2009-09-14T11:43:00.000-07:00

While I was sleeping, I turned over in my sleep. I tend to move a lot while I sleep and I often wake up because of it. Last night though, as I rolled over onto my back and woke up, I sensed I was not alone. I opened my eyes and saw nothing but felt the very real presence of the Spirit of God very close to me.

It wasn't a fleeting moment either. I felt His presence remain close. In the way a father would look in on their sleeping child to check on him or her, but not just walk in and walk out. No, it was more like walk in and just watch them sleep and love them while they slept.

In this groggy state I knew it was Him and tried to talk. I can't remember exactly what I said but I wanted Him to know that I acknowledged His presence even though I was half in and half out of sleep.

Then when I woke up this morning, I remembered something. Before I went to bed last night I had a friend call me and asked me to pray for her because two months ago her house was broken into while she was home. Ever since, she has had difficulty sleeping and so last night we prayed that God's presence would keep her in perfect peace and that her sleep would be sweet and that even if she awoke in the night, she would still sense His nearness.

Here's the funny thing, to my knowledge, I've never prayed something for someone else and received the blessing of that exact thing for myself. All I know is the Lord heard my prayer for her and then blessed us both.

God is Good.

"I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4:8

"Through each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life." Psalm 42:8

Head Gear

2009-09-13T10:59:00.000-07:00

You know, I once went to pick up my sister from the airport with a very large brown paper bag over my head with two holes cut out for my eyes. I walked around all of Newark International Airport like that as I dragged my friend Matt along with me. The more I tried to embarrass him though, the more he just went with it. He really could have been wearing that T-shirt that says "I'm With Stupid" and it would have been very appropriate. This was all back before 9/11 so I was able to get away with being an idiot at the airport and not get arrested.

Now though, I'm sure I would at least get a warning for some such tomfoolery if I pulled a stunt like that. However when I saw this picture today I really began to enjoy the idea of wearing this "hat" to the airport next time I need to pick someone up. I mean, they can't arrest me because they can see my face, right? I'll just look like a big dumb idiot and get lots of people to laugh, which is the whole point.

Then again, I wrote a poem about a girl who had a pumpkin for a head once. So maybe I'll just try that...but now I bet you're wondering if I'm actually serious and I guess I am too. I'll guess we'll have to wait and see.

Always Trust Your Gut

2009-09-10T12:33:00.000-07:00

I remember one particular summer afternoon as a kid, I think I was about seven and we were going to visit to my Great Aunt Alice's house for her birthday. I remember it was a really hot day and I had been very busy playing dress-up before we left the house until I heard my mother holler that we were going to be late. I had removed all the play clothes I was wearing except for the high heeled shoes I had on. I clopped down the stairs as my mother continued to hurry us kids out of the house.

"Are you gonna wear those?" My mother asked with a frown. "Yeah." I said. "They're too big for your feet, but we're late, oh forget it, just get in the car." She said in an annoyed tone. I was about to clomp my way out to the car when my mother said as an after thought, "I need you to carry the blueberry pie." "Okay." I said and held out my hands. My mother looked down at my feet and looked at her perfectly baked pie. "Are you sure you can carry this with those shoes on?" She asked. My mother knew all too well that I was the biggest tangle foot you had ever seen and this was looking like a recipe more for disaster than for pie. "Yeah, I can do it, Mom!" I said emphatically. "I won't fall." She reluctantly handed me the pie, but I could tell her gut instinct was against me. "Humph. I'll show her." I thought to myself. I carefully made my way out the door, eyeballing the pie in my hands with every clomppy step I took.

You would believe I actually made it?

We piled into the blue station wagon and I sat in the front seat with the pie on my lap. Then I think my mother went to hand me something else and so I had to put the pie on the floor in front of me. We were just about to leave and I don't know why or how it happened, but the next thing I knew I forgetfully managed to shove the heal of that shoe straight down into the pie. I gasped loudly. I looked over at my mother and she looked wide eyed at me. Then we both looked down at the shoe that was now in her no-longer-perfect-pie. I started to cry even before the yelling started. I felt terrible. She asked me to do a simple job and I blew it. The thing is, I always seemed to blow it. I was klutz of monumental proportions as a child. I knew she worked really hard on that pie and I felt so badly that it was all my fault because now it was wrecked. "Colleen! How could you?!" She said loudly. "I'm sorry Mom!" I wailed as big crocodile tears flung out of my eyes like a cartoon character.

But it was too late. There was no going back. We were late. The pie was a mess and we had to go. I continued to cry as we drove off and my mother wistfully told me to stop it.

I guess it's just one of those things, you know? It was a small incident, but I'll never forget the look of hesitation on my mother's face as she sized me up in those great big high heels against her pie.

Lesson learned that day?...Always trust your gut.

The Cowgirl

2009-09-10T10:48:00.002-07:00

Somedays, when I don't feel so strong inside, I put on my cowboy boots. Then I know I can do anything, because now I'm Cowgirl Tough.

Pirate Face

2009-09-08T22:03:00.000-07:00

This is very bad. I have a bad habit of crawling into bed fully dressed and falling asleep in my clothes with the lights on and my contact lens stuck to my eyeball. Then sometime around, oh say 2am I wake up all cranky with myself for doing this and I stumble around my room with an eyeball glued shut like a pirate. I'm quite the prize at this hour of the night with mascara around my eyes, while I've got the pirate/bed head look going on. Unfortunately, I'm on the verge of falling into that scenario right now as I'm so very tired and I'm fully dressed, but already under my fluffy comforter. I don't even know if what I'm writing makes sense...but whatever.

Here's a bad haiku I'm going to make up right this second because I'm feeling delirious.

Nighttime, I'm not scared of the dark.
My imagination is a little on the wild side.
Still, closet doors must be closed.

Ribbons and Bows but Mom Only Knows

2009-09-07T00:13:00.000-07:00

I remember once my mother went away for a little while. I don't know where she went...vacation or something and we were left with Dad In Charge. My father's parenting has softened and changed considerably since childhood. Poor Dad. When I was really little, I thought three things. My Dad was really good at running, working and being Superman when I went to bed.

Dad could make pasta, barbecued chicken and salad. He also didn't want us eating junk food. So when mom left for the week, we three kids probably had the healthiest bowels on the block.

I remember one morning before school I went into Dad's room and asked him to put braids in my hair. That turned out to be a disappointing and painful experience, let me tell you. You would have thought my hair elastics were gum and my hair was taffy in his hands. He didn't know what he was doing and it only took two strokes of the hairbrush for me to know this was going to be a big mistake.

My Dad was good at throwing a football. Throwing a basketball. Driving a car. The man was clueless about hairclips. Or the fact that his little daughter's fine brown hair had to be held tightly or it would slip out of your hands while trying to put it up. My part was crooked. My hair was yanked, lumpy and the end result resembled bed head. Which is what I walked in with in the first place. When he was done I went back into my room and pulled it all out and cried. I cried because I felt bad for pulling it out. I cried because I wanted my mother, but mostly I cried because I didn't feel pretty. When I was little, I was obsessed with my hair and it meant everything to me to have a pretty hairstyle everyday for school. Braids, pigtails, ribbons, bows, you name it. Everyday was something different and I loved it.

But not while mom was gone. I did my own ponytails as best as my little fingers could do, but it wasn't the same as having my mother's expert hands making me feel polished before walking out the door.

If you're a dad out there, or you hope to be someday, I might recommend having your wife give you a few quick basics in the art of hair styling for little girls. Like how to brush her hair without making her cry would be good. Otherwise when she's 32, she might still be scarred. (This does work the other way too though, as it's important for a woman to know how to throw a football, because you just never know...)

P.S. Pop if you're reading this, which I know you never do, but now mom will show this to you...don't worry, I still love ya. ;)

This photo was taken a few years ago just before a race. Note the pigtails and ribbons. Somethings never change...

"Everything is Possible for him who Believes."

2009-09-06T12:30:00.000-07:00

It's raining outside. It has poured rain all morning and I'm sitting here listening to Jonathan David Helzer. I can't shake the feeling that I continue to feel like a little boat out at sea, removed of it's anchor, removed of it's compass, no land in sight....just floating. Waiting for I don't know what. I'm just kind of bobbing there, so far out from shore that it's scary because if a huge wave came my way, I'm not sure I could handle the ability to keep upright.

Then again, the days seem to bleed one into another like a blur. As if there was once a picture that you could see clearly and someone dumped a glass of water all over it and now it doesn't look like anything. You can't even tell if the picture is upright or upside down anymore. I have lived in this place for so long you'd think I'd have gotten a handle on what it's like to live a life in the uncomfortable and the unknown...but I haven't. I feel weak and completely incapable of directing myself in any direction except to the foot of the cross...which at times I don't even think I can see, but go in faith knowing that it has *got* to be there, because of the truth of His Word.

Is this the place of faith like a child? Is this the place of feeling like a fool for something you cannot see? Is this actually the place of safety? Because I don't think I *feel* safe. I feel vulnerable and completely helpless.

I think so often of Moses. How he refused to go into the Promise Land unless the Lord went with him and I suppose I feel the same way, but what if that means I live my entire life in the wilderness? I think there is only one way the Lord would allow that to happen...if I don't believe Him. Now maybe I'm wrong about that and you can say so if I am, but hear this. I believe the Lord has directed me to read the book of Joshua. Why? Because Joshua and Caleb were the only two of the 12 tribesmen who went out to spy the land and *knew* they could take it because they believed in God's ability to give it to them. The other ten looked to their own inability, they looked to themselves and threw in the towel so to speak. "They were grasshoppers in their sight." The Bible says...and they never entered the Promise Land.

The Bible says that whatever is not of faith is sin. (Romans 14:23) Do you have any idea what that verse does to me? Then oh how great my sin unless I turn and repent! But I love the situation that happens in Mark 9:14-29. The father of the boy with the evil spirit asks the Lord "If you can do anything, take pity on us and help us." I love Jesus' reply. "If you can?" He says to the man. "Everything is possible for him who believes." Then the boy's father says "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

I believe that Jesus is Lord. I believe that He died for my sins. I believe! But sometimes, I know I don't have enough faith to believe that things will change in my life when the circumstances seem to never change. Or look like they get harder instead of better. That's where I cry "Lord help my unbelief!" I cannot conjure up faith. It is something the Father has given me and when I need help believing, I know He wants me to call to Him because He knows what's in my unbelieving heart anyway.

I wish so badly that I had it all together in my walk with Christ, but I don't. Maybe I'm not supposed to and that's why I need Him so desperately Every. Single. Day.

Oh Lord, My God and Savior, help me daily to believe...

Dreams

2009-08-30T21:13:00.001-07:00

I had another vivid dream again last night. I dreamt I was back at Whistler Mt. again, skiing. I my dream I found my hands full of about half a dozen balloons in each hand as I took off down the mountain. I thought it was odd that I didn't have poles but went with it.

Next thing I know I am zooming down the mountain so amazingly fast and the balloons are giving me so much air as I go over the moguls because they are keeping me so light. I was having the best time and screaming at the top of my lungs over every jump. It was so exciting and beyond fun. I was passing by everyone else and didn't slow down for anything.

In the dream I skied all the way down the mountain until I got to where the apre ski lodge was. At the end I just remembered thinking that it was the most satisfyingly thing I had ever done in my life. The joy I felt and the endorphin rush I experienced in the dream was beyond anything else I'd ever experienced.

Then I woke up. As I laid there in bed I had this funny thought that that experience is what walking in the joy of the Lord and freedom in Christ is like.

I want that everyday.

Hiking the Cascades

2009-08-26T21:48:00.000-07:00

Days Unemployed: I. forget.
Maybe it's for the better that I've forgotten. Today, this is what I did.
Hmmmm, better than sitting in an office all day, no?

View right above Olallie Lake, (Northern Cascade Range)

Reflection in the water of the mountain above it. Talk about placid water reflection!

Reflection of the Alpines

Standing in front of Olallie Lake

Talapus Lake, elevation 2,600 ASL

Talapus Lake, Northern Cascade Range

Anyway...fun stuff. You would have liked it.

Tomorrow...

2009-08-25T19:17:00.000-07:00

Will be a day that involves my camel back, head lamp and hiking boots. I'm off to explore the wilderness with a friend I haven't seen in awhile. I love that I live so close to the mountains, maybe I'll even do a little bouldering if I can find a good rocky crag to mess about on.

I went last week by myself. It was a little impromptu and the first time I ever went alone. ( Chillax Mom.) I quite enjoyed the experience by myself as it gave me mounds of time to pray and enjoy the beauty of God's exquisite creation around me. At one point I had reached a clearing over a high bluff where the evergreens were so perfectly aligned they looked like wallpaper. It was awesome and I got it all to myself.

(Note: Military caps are an excellent piece of apparel when you can't be bothered to shower for three days. It seems the dirtier I am the more compliments I receive. Maybe the Euros have it right, eh?)

Second Stomach

2009-08-24T12:28:00.000-07:00

Oh Hello Colleen, this is your dessert stomach talking...you can't ignore me forever.

Dating and Marriage

2009-08-24T11:51:00.000-07:00

I don't have a person. But if you have a person, do them a favor, stop being annoying.

The Whales of August

2009-08-23T15:17:00.000-07:00

"Do you see how the moon casts it's coins along the shore? Now there's a treasure that can never be spent."-Mr. Maranov (Vincent Price, The Whales of August)

The Other Night...

2009-08-21T23:49:00.001-07:00

I was watching a scene from the 1987 movie called the Whales of August. In it one of the main characters named Sarah (Lillian Gish) sits down at her vanity to pretty herself before her gentleman dinner guest (Vincent Price) arrives. (Mind you Sarah is a 92 year old woman). As she sits down at her vanity you see her long, fine, white hair cascading down her back and she quickly and efficiently twists it up into an expert bun with her old arthritic hands. Then she grabs a fuzzy white powder puff and dabs her face quickly with it before leaving to set the table. As I watched this scene I was painfully reminded of my little old grandmother's desire to still feel beautiful and I immediately bust into tears. Literally. That's not something that I'm capable of doing on command, but nevertheless...I did it.

My grandmother is still alive, gingerly walking around on this planet in what has got to be the midnight hours of her life. She is 88 years old, (me thinks) and as of last month has now out-lived her two younger sisters and almost all of her generation in our family, save a few cousins in South America and Rhode Island.

I can't imagine what it must be like to live that long. Longer than the rest. To live long enough to watch your entire generation disappear and be the last. She is the last remaining Matriarch of our family and when she goes, it will be the end of an era. I think my childhood will officially be just a memory as having her here on this earth keeps my past alive somehow. She is part of my very early memories of life.

She is the embodiment of the spoon full of sugar I used to steal from her sugar bowl when no one was looking.
She is the pearl earrings and necklace that once were hers but are now mine because she gave them to me.
She is the sunny side up egg and Taylor Ham if I ever taste it.
She is the winter hat I never wanted to wear, but now I wear it.
She is Frank Sinatra's New York, New York whenever I hear it.
She is the old widow who gave her "two mites" whenever I read it.
She Is.

I wonder if maybe those silly things will help me to somehow tangibly feel her when she is gone. Like the feeling you get when you watch old family movies that are still on the reel or an old VHS. The thing is, once they're gone, it's never the same anymore. The hole that is left will never go away--but can only be filled in by the healing balm of time which one hopes will make the pain in missing someone stop; and only leave a dull ache at the after thought.

Such is the way of life...and death I suppose.

I'm gently reminded of this scripture that the apostle Paul wrote reminding the church at Corinth:

For he (the Lord) says, "In the time of my favor I heard you, and in the day of salvation I helped you." I tell you, now is the time of God's favor, now is the day of salvation. (2 Corinthians 6:2/ Isaiah 49:8)

All we have is today. So let us redeem the time. Why? Because today is the day of Salvation.

Nothing

2009-08-19T00:43:00.000-07:00

The other night when I went to bed I was so cold. I'm always cold when I get into bed; even in the summer. I don't know what's wrong with me. So I pulled a pillow down against my back and snuggled up against it. It actually kept me warm.

Ecclesiastes 4:11 says,

"Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?"

I guess if you're me, you use a pillow.

God of All Things

2009-08-13T19:51:00.000-07:00

I was thinking this morning about the Lord and wondering just how much he wants to be a part of everything we do. Everything Lord? Really? That's when this little poem came to me:

God of big things.
God of small things.
God of short things.
God of tall things.

God over the good things.
God over the bad.
God over the happy.
God over the sad.

God in the quite.
God in the loud.
God in the meek,
but not in the proud.

God in my doing.
God in my rest.
God in my worst.
God in my best.

God over the earth.
God over the sea.
God over you
and God over me.

God wants to be part of everything we do. No matter how big no matter how small, God wants to always be part of it all.

Day 17

2009-08-11T22:37:00.000-07:00

That's the number of days that I've been unemployed...again. What did I do with my time?

1. Read this morning and spent time with the Lord.
2. Watched Mystic Pizza.
3. Showered. (This is important, as getting depressed is easy when you have nothing to do with your time and it's too easy to sit around in your pj's all day feeling sorry for yourself.) Showering is a good thing and another good place for prayer.
4. Cleaned house. I love having a roommate. It's automatic accountability in the area of cleanliness. I would be a sad sack without her as this place would become a dump consisting of scattered coffee grinds, peanut butter and toast crumbs. Not to mention a volcanic explosion of paper and unemployment documents all over the place.
5. Looked for a job. This is a painful task as I loath the drudgery of it and I'm easily distracted from doing so.
6. Went to a movie with my roommate. Saw a movie that I actually enjoyed for once in my life since I am the toughest movie critic around.

What I'm thankful for:
Savings!
A place to lay my head.
A tuna fish sandwich for lunch.
Knowing that in all this, God is not surprised and wants me to simply Abide in Him in the midst of abasing. Realization? He is my Portion, my Provider, and my Peace.

It is well with my soul. Good night.

Night Swimming...(Remember that R.E.M song?)

2009-08-03T22:22:00.000-07:00

I don't suppose I've done this much swimming in the summer since I was a little kid. Seattle has had the hottest summer on record since temperatures were being recorded back in 1891. In certain places we have capped out at 109 degrees, though Seattle proper hit 103 last week. You'd think we were living in Arizona or something. I can't remember the last time it even rained! I'm not complaining about that fact, it's just a fact that I'm stating. It's been an incredibly hot summer and I've loved it.

My friends and I have frequented many, many of the lakes and rivers in the area during the day and even very late into the night for a swim. I love getting together with my darling friends and feeling so carefree, jumping off the docks and into what feels like bathwater for a late night swim. I've been relishing these days and nights. It goes something like this:

(A 10pm phone call and I'm almost in my jammies) "Hey Colleen! It's too hot to sleep so we are all going swimming, you in?" ....heck yes I am.

I love that fact that I can just up and go whenever I want. It's such a liberating feeling and when I arrive down at the dock I seriously feel like I'm twelve again. We all feel that way. You forget that really you are a grown up with a job and bills or a mortgage to pay. No. Down at the dock it's just you in your swimsuit and the laughter of your friends as you all splash and dunk and dive again and again, just like when you were a kid. I've floated on inner tubes, eaten drippy popsicles, gone to bed very late and watched my face explode with freckles these last 4 weeks.

These things have helped me to momentarily forget that I lost my job, or the fact that the relationship that I was in flopped or that I'm really not sure at all in what direction my life is going in whatsoever.

I guess what I'm saying is this...it's been a rough summer, but God's grace is still sufficient for me and I see that in the little things, no matter how small they seem, like night swimming. :)

Dreams

2009-08-02T01:17:00.000-07:00

I have very vivid dreams. I'm not going to discuss it here, but often I know that the dreams I have are from the Lord and they stay with me for days. I dreamt again last night...I think there's some prayin' to be done again. Oh the things I see....

On Banging Pots and Pans

2009-07-30T14:44:00.001-07:00

When I was a kid I liked to bang pots and pans together. I'm sure this drove my mother berserk-o which I suppose was part of the point, but I also just enjoyed the satisfaction of the banging sound. Almost as much as I enjoy the sound and crunch of eating potato chips, or crushing dried autumn leaves under my shoes. However, I don't do the banging thing anymore. One, my roommate would kill me and two, I'm not that mentally dysfunctional, (yet). Nope, I don't bang pots and pans together, but every once in a while, when no one is looking I'll take a pot out of the cupboard and smack it with a wooden spoon and then I'll put it back...because I don't do that sort of thing anymore. ;)

A Stomach Full of Butterflies

2009-07-26T12:00:00.001-07:00

When I was a little girl, my first love was Brian Williams. He had blond hair that was shaped like a bowl around his head and it was straight as straw. He used to send me little love notes almost every day in second and third grade. His intense liking for me made me often think I was going to throw up. So much so, that I couldn't even eat my peanut butter and jelly sandwich at lunch. He also used to draw pictures of us holding hands with a little heart over the two of us.

He never said a word to me at school though, ever. It was a very big secret for two little kids to have. Our moms knew though. Not because I told my mother, but because he told his.

I still get really nervous if I know that I guy is interested in me and I can't eat. My stomach is just too full of butterflies to fit anything else I guess. Somethings never change...

Sunsets and Shadows

2009-07-26T11:18:00.000-07:00

A quiet evening dawns as the sun lays itself to sleep.

"Goodnight, Good World." The sun doth say.
"Tomorrow will be another day.
But it is time to leave you now,
and with this night I take my bow.
For in my place a new moon shines.
A substitute for this light of mine.

Goodnight, Good World. Goodnight."

Sputnik Head

2009-07-23T23:59:00.001-07:00

"I've lived enough crazy for two lifetimes." She said "And I'm only 32!"
"What does that mean?" He asked.
"It means that the insanity in my life is so intense, I'm thinking of wearing a helmet everywhere I go from now on. So whether I hit a wall, or someone is hurling insults at me, it won't matter because my helmet is so ugly and big, people will have to start laughing. I will be know as "The-Girl-With-the-Helmet-Head." And maybe I will receive critical acclaim for the guts that I have for sporting such an ugly Sputnik on my head."

Or maybe I'll just go for this...

Dark Helmet:

Quoting Myself

2009-07-19T23:59:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes... when you have a very bad day, it's good to enjoy a private scream."

Quotes

2009-07-13T10:01:00.000-07:00

"What God wants is not individuals trying to be victorious or spiritual; He wants a corporate glorious church presented to Himself."

-Watchman Nee

Joining the Circus

2009-07-12T19:35:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think it would be romantic if I ran away and joined the circus. I would never speak in an American accent ever again and every other European accent would be my show stopper.

But I don't think the circus would be terribly impressed with that. Therefore, I think I'll keep my day job.

If Only...

2009-07-12T18:23:00.001-07:00

"I have craved and walked away in silence and I have learned to be free."

Heather Clark wrote those words as part of a song of worship she wrote to the Lord. I wonder on this hot summer night, what is it that you crave that you can either never get enough of or for whatever reason, you are continually denied?

"I have craved..." Yes, I have.

A long long time ago the Israelites had a craving and complained about it..."If only we had meat to eat!" They wailed to Moses, but up until this point the Lord had given them only Manna from Heaven to eat.

The Israelites where so selfish that they couldn't even see the blessing the Lord was continually pouring down on them from Heaven. They wanted more. So in their rebellion the Lord gave them what they wanted and his anger was kindled against them.

I do not share this story to shame those of you who simply desire this or that. I simply serve to caution and remind you (and myself) that we must always hold our desires up to the light of the Lord and check that our hearts are in the right place with regard to the things we crave or long for.

"I have craved and walked away in silence (not complaining)..." Have you?

So what is it you crave? Is it a child? Is it the job promotion that you are continually passed over for? Is it the loan you need on a new house that fell through? Is it a deeper relationship with your spouse or child? Or maybe you are lonely and simply crave a loving relationship with another human being? Or maybe your craving is birthed out a bondage to sin?

Oh if only we would lay our cravings before the alter of the Lord and allow him to consume or burn up that which He longs to have from us so that He may bring us more deeply to Himself. After all, He knows our needs and His hand is not to short to meet every one.

"I have craved and walked away in silence and I have learned to be free."

Amen. (So be it.)

One Thing I Know for Sure

2009-07-11T11:02:00.000-07:00

I'm going to tell you a little story...

I know of a young man who has cancer. He used to refer to his tumor as "Billy". On the day of his surgery he said, "Yeah, Billy's getting evicted today. He's been calling all the shots, but he never pays the rent so now he's getting the boot."

Then he had to have a shunt put into his chest after a particular surgery. As he came to in the post-op room he saw a woman who had the same surgery. In an attempt to make light of the situation he ripped open his shirt like Superman and exclaimed to her "Hey! You've got one of those things too? Cool!" To which she burst into tears because she didn't think he was funny.

It was at that point he realized that not everyone who has cancer is able to make light of the darkness of disease. Dare I say this man is a rare individual with respect to the perception of his circumstances.

The thing of it is, this humor is coming from a man who was facing death, (he's in remission now) while I slug through my life just facing my job and smaller (yet painful) heartache and trials.

I share this story as an encouragement to those of you who think your life is unbearable and you just don't see an end to the misery in sight.

So, I spent all last week filling my tears in a bucket full of grief, but I'm done crying now. I think I cried more because of the overall disappointment, then the reason for the disappointment, if that makes any sense.

Yes. I still hold the shorter stick. So I think I'll light a match and burn that short stick up. I'd rather light up the darkness and let you see my tears then remain in the darkness and cry in it all by myself.

This one thing I know for sure,
"You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light." Psalm 18:28

Just a Touch

2009-07-10T00:07:00.000-07:00

Just a touch of Love
Just a touch of Grace
Just a touch of Mercy
From the Goodness of your face.

Just a touch of Kindness
Just a touch from You
That is all this little one
is asking You to do.

In my touch of Sadness
In my touch of Ache
That is all I'm asking Lord
that you would not forsake.

Just a touch from You Lord
Just a touch from You
Then this little one will...
find a heart renewed.

Little Sticks

2009-07-09T23:44:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like all you ever get is the short end of the stick in certain areas of your life? Am I the only person who holds her little stick and thinks, "What did I ever do to deserve this?"

I don't get it God. Please help me understand you, because nothing else makes sense anymore.

Two Familiar Friends

2009-07-09T23:23:00.000-07:00

I have an old friend and I have a new friend,
Heartbreak and Heartache.
I have officially known them both,
but now I know them well.

Me and Myself

2009-05-21T21:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I'm by myself, I talk to myself all by myself.

Disclaimer

2009-05-08T23:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Future Husband,

I don't even know if you exist as the Lord has never made marriage clear to me. However, if you do exist and you ever come across this blog and this post in particular then I want to apologize now for any quirky or possibly clueless things I might say to you when we meet. I'm not very good at picking up on man-clues (physical or verbal) and I tend to say the wrong things by accident. I also tend to be oblivious when men (such as yourself) are trying to make an effort so I end up blowing it because I'm never paying attention.

So if you ever read this, just be *very patient* with me. I tend to be a little clueless in the preliminaries so sometimes obvious clues, or bluntness from you will be very helpful.

That is all. :)

Sit, Stay, Wait and Pray

2009-05-03T23:24:00.000-07:00

If you can learn to do this as a Christian, I mean really do this. Not just for a few moments. I'm talking days, weeks, months or years if the Lord wills. God will not disappoint you. He promises that:

"I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?"
(Jeremiah 32:27)

No. Assuredly not.

Ridiculous Girl

2009-04-30T09:28:00.001-07:00

Last night I was on the phone with a friend chatting away. Then I started patting my pockets, looking for something. "Where is my phone?" I was thinking to myself as she is talking. "Oh yeah, it's next to my head." I thought and had to interrupt her to tell her what I just did.

Also sometimes, when I'm looking for my glasses, (frantic that I've lost them) I suddenly realize, "They're on your face."

Lastly sometimes, when I'm in the car and I want to listen to some good music, I reach to turn on the radio and realize, it's already on.

"Do Not Consider Yourself"

2009-04-26T13:13:00.000-07:00

That phrase has been milling about in my head, as something minor happened and I found myself wanting to take offense at something awhile ago. I brought it to the Lord while standing before my closet looking for something to wear one morning and that is what He spoke to my heart.

I didn't like that.

I wanted to hear the Lord say something like, "Yeah, you're right." But I hopefully know Him well enough to know that He never thinks like that.

Still. Not considering myself is not an easy thing to do. I'm very good at considering myself and I wonder if you are too.

So tomorrow if someone offends you, or cuts you off, or just in general overlooks you, ask the Lord to help you not consider yourself. After all...

"Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails."
I Corinthians 13:4-8

Earthling

2009-04-23T09:38:00.000-07:00

Last night I fell in love. He's about 21 inches tall and weighs about 7 and a half pounds. I went to the hospital late last night to meet him. My friend had given birth to her second son and I don't know about you but I really enjoy meeting newborns. I think they are fascinating. He was only 24 hours old. She let me hold him and my heart went to mush.

The idea of holding something so small, fragile, alive and human is amazing. Holding an entire person in one arm is a cool thing. It's not something you do every day (If you are me, that is.) So when I do get to do it, it's always really enjoyable.

He was wide awake and was really trying to focus on my face and he reminded me a little bit of Yoda. I kept thinking about what was going on in his brain. There is so much information to compute and the brain of a baby is fascinating because it is a time of such rapid fire growth.

It was such a nice visit. The two of us women alone in that room. She had no other visitors so we just took turns holding him and talking quietly and smiling in awe that he was just in her belly.

Then this morning when I woke up I noticed that my hands still smelled softly of baby even though I'd washed them a few times since. I love that smell.

Welcome to planet Earth Baby Boy. I hope you stay a long time and glorify the Lord.

I'm Famous! But I'm dead....hmmmm.

2009-04-21T09:30:00.000-07:00

Guys in Cars Part III

2009-04-20T19:19:00.000-07:00

This is getting ridiculous. Today was one of the first really warm and lush days of Spring and if you'll recall from my old blog, I'm about to tally my fair share of goofballs.

Why do men look out the side window to see who is next to them and women don't?
Why do men act like idiots trying to get your attention when they are in the car and know that in one minute you're just going to take off anyway?

Maybe they don't have the courage to simply talk to women in real life. I don't know...

But this morning I was minding my own business at the intersection when a dude in a swanky black BMW pulls up next to me with his window down and is making all these weird motions to me out of the corner of my eye and wanting my attention.

"Oh please." I thought. "Really?" I'm sure he would never do that if it were any place else other than at the light.

I do not have the name Kobe Beef written across my forehead, but you sir definitely have the name Chicken written across yours.

Growing in the Dirt Pt.II

2009-04-16T11:25:00.000-07:00

It's an interesting thing about dirt. When you're covered in dirt, you want to get it off. You're considered "Dirty". Dirty in society is not a good thing. If you were like me when you were little, you came in from a summer afternoon of making dirty mud pies while trying to feed them to your little sister and afterwards, your mother made you clean up before dinner.

As Americans we are way more obsessed with cleanliness then Europeans. They are just a little more okay with skipping showers for 3 to 5 days and being a little dirty.

Not me.

No, I shower almost every day if I can help it. I love the feeling of being clean. (Sports, camping and a muddy football pitch excluded.) However, as I was thinking about crocuses and flowers in general, I was thinking how odd it seems that something so beautiful could come out of something so, well, dirty.

God chose to make flowers grow not out of water or some sort of clean substance, but from dirt.

Sometimes the only way you can grow in your walk with the Lord is through the dirt or mess that has become your life. I would often find myself crying out to God, "Lord what a mess my life is! How is this ever going to be okay?" It's rough when things seem hopeless, messy or just plain dirty.

Then I realized that the Lord knew what He was doing when He invented flowers. I think He wanted me to notice that without the dirt, the beauty that becomes the flower would never flourish without the perfect setting of the dirt to cause it to grow.

I guess that's what Paul meant when he said:

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." -Romans 5:3-5

I find those words so comforting as I have experienced seasons of "Sackcloth and Ashes" so to speak and one knows that in seasons such as those, you feel anything but clean.

But to everything there is a season...and the Lord is faithful to always bring the rain and through the dirt the flower grows. So let Him Rein in your hearts and minds today and He will wash away the filth from the daughters of Zion. (Isaiah 4:4)

Growing in the Dirt

2009-04-15T13:02:00.000-07:00

A budding crocus is best left alone,
until it is able to stand on it's own.

Computers

2009-04-14T23:18:00.000-07:00

My roommate is at the kitchen counter on her laptop.
I am on the couch on my laptop.
We are not talking to each other.
I thought to myself, "If we weren't on our computers we'd probably be talking to each other right now."

Then I decided to ask her the question I was just thinking in my head.

"No." She said. "If I wasn't on the computer, I'd be in bed."

"Oh." I thought.

Well...so much for relationships.

Sometimes....

2009-04-14T08:56:00.001-07:00

The waters of the sea would cover up her mouth and she wondered if she would ever find her voice again.

But just maybe, she could once again feel the bottom of the ocean floor and maybe the tide was finally receding...very slowly...maybe.

The Year She Started Praying On Her Face

2009-04-11T00:02:00.000-07:00

... was definitely worth it.

Strange Girl

2009-04-10T23:54:00.000-07:00

She did not like being alone, but found the company of adults even more boring. That's why she always ate at the kids table.